The transcendent effect of psychological bullying
Those people who weren't bullied growing up are lucky, i think. The psychological effect of bullying unfortunately transcends time. No matter how long ago it happened, this illogical fear will creep right back at you when faced with a situation with even a slight semblance of the past. Unfortunately to some, it would define their lives, allowing fear to dominate their world. To a few, especially to the incredibly optimistic, it would provide reason to excel, to show those people that they don't care and never will.
I remember a time in high school when I have been the subject of bullying. I know I wasn't the brightest bulb, but I know I have what it takes to finish high school with flying colors. In short on my 1st year, I was cocky. I was vertically challenged at that time, always in front of the line. I was slight and short. But that didn't stop me from showing people that I know things. I held my head high because I know that my height and my frame will never be a hindrance of what I wanted to be...and that's to be a renowned Psychologist. But it's inevitable. One incident reminded me that I wasn't in my comfort zone anymore. The school is larger, there were more students. And I don't have my sisters' reputation to protect me. So one girl asked me, condescendingly, "are you a 1st year?" I said, "yes", loud enough for her to hear me because we were asked to fall in line to enter the building. She repeated "you a 1st year?", I got annoyed thinking... didn't she hear me? so I responded with "I said yes." This girl, who was trying to establish her position as a superior, was taken aback by my attitude. I proceeded on entering the building thinking that would be the last time I would see her. But of course, as a bully, I don't think she would ever forgive me for giving her the attitude. And so she solicited the help of her friends to wait for me by the corridors threatening me not to pass by them or else.
I admit, I was afraid of being hurt. They were bigger, they could literally break me to pieces. So I spent months whenever I'm in that particular building, sitting in the classroom thinking..."would they be outside after this class?", "would they wait for me outside the school?", "is this THE day when they would make their move?" They never really touched me, but the relentless thought of not being able to get out of that building alive was emotionally and mentally draining. I couldn't focus on my school work.
The relentless thought of not being able to get out of that building alive was emotionally and mentally draining.
Fortunately I got through it. But now I'm aware and scared not to cross people. I learned to be careful, to suppress my knowledge because I might upset someone. Come 2nd year, I became the insecure student. I was always at the library, losing myself in Nancy Drew pocketbooks because there, I felt safe. The feeling got worse because I managed to enter the top section. Here, they wouldn't show brute strength, they would make you feel that you wouldn't be able to think the way they do...ever. It would be impossible for you to be the leader because they would not be dominated by anyone.
I am worried for the next generation. Scared that my children would imbibe my fear and my insecurity and be the subject of other children's bullying acts. More afraid though that they would be the bullies. I hope...I pray that it would be easier for them to go through life. I hope that they could express their thoughts freely and do the things that they love doing. That their passion would not be suppressed because they think they would be punished. That they would not be paranoid to think that someone's watching their every move. I am praying for a bully-free future.