Do you have so little faith?
I watched a BBC video this morning about two women who were saved for defecting from North Korea, only to be sold as sex-cam slaves in China. That is until a pastor from South Korea, learning of their situation, helped them escape and accompanied them to the South Korean embassy.
I just thought...wow. It's the morning of my birthday and I have never felt an unbearable weight of conviction in my heart of how selfish, petty and ungrateful I have become. I have always felt like I was a victim of my circumstances, a result of my past. I have forgotten how the Lord's faithfulness and goodness have inundated every season of my life. I always forget. Just like any other fickle-minded human being, I have taken to the superficial view of things and have thought how "alone" I was. But I was never alone. Much like a person who became so guilty and angry after a sudden and destructive outburst, I have always looked back in my life and saw God there. And time and time again, I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude as well as repentance. For even doubting Him, for thinking that I was on my own in the present, for worrying what is to become of me in the future.
I always forget. Just like any other fickle-minded human being, I have taken to the superficial view of things and have thought how "alone" I was.
I am deeply grateful for the past year. Truthfully, I started that year strong. I have surrendered that year to the Lord, all my goals and plans and dreams. But at the back of my mind I have also accepted that some of those goals and dreams were too big. So as the months passed by, my faith wavered because it felt like I was waiting for too long. You see how near-sighted we can be? I know I am, and forgetful too. But the Lord, in all His sovereignty and His goodness and mercy, have fulfilled goals and dreams in my life even beyond what I could ever imagine. All in one year just because I committed everything to Him.
...in all His sovereignty and His goodness and mercy, have fulfilled goals and dreams in my life even beyond what I could ever imagine.
Sometimes I think I have so little faith. But then I realize, that little faith has moved mountains. It has moved the heart of a friend into accepting Christ as her personal Lord and Savior. It has moved God's heart into allowing me to lead a discipleship group in the office. That little faith and the immeasurable grace of God has allowed me to travel and experience another country. I have come to realize that everything that I have I do not own, everything is the Lord's. Even the desires that I have in my heart came from Him. And I know that if my dreams are aligned with His will for my life, nothing can thwart it.
I know that if my dreams are aligned with His will for my life, nothing can thwart it.
I could try counting the blessings that I have for the past year, but I don't think I would be able to. Only the sense of awareness of my unworthiness and Him being so full of mercy and grace are enough for me just to be grateful forever and hang on to that little faith that I have.